The War Against Christmas
Today I shall take a break from my blog postings. Instead, I have the honor of reprinting a speech of Herr Doktor Professor Meister Reverend Bom Bastis. He is the Professor of Obfuscatory Theology at Wellfall Bible College. Here is his speech:
My friends, it is a sad occasion that I come before you to speak today. Even as I speak, there are pernicious, evil forces bent upon destroying the very fabric of our civilization. Even as I speak, we are embroiled in a war that will determine the future of our Christian society. Should we lose this war, our nation will be engulfed by evil forces. Our children will be corrupted by evil. They will be seduced by sex. They will be addicted to drugs. They will fall under the satanic spell of rock and roll. Sadly, my friends, we have almost lost the battle against these triple evils.
But before we can truly understand our sad plight, we must identify the origin of the war of which I speak. This war againt our Christian society was started by abominable atheists, sadistic satanists, apostate agnostics, salacious secularists, and hubristic humanists. The war was started by Thomas Paine with his book "The Age of Reason". Let me tell you, reason has no place in a Christian society! The war was carried on by the "Humanist Manifesto".
Now the war has entered its most terrifying phase. The war of which I speak is the War Against Christmas! This battle will determine the future of our civilization.
Suppose you go to a store to buy Christmas presents. A store associate may greet you saying, "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings". You might think that the associate is simply trying to appeal to people of any faith, to put Jews, Muslims, and non-believers at ease. You may think that this is the policy of a neighborly and friendly business.
No! That associate is doing the devil's work! "Happy Holidays" is the slogan of those evil and pernicious forces working to undermine our Christian values. That is the very manifestation of the War Against Christmas! You must take a stand against this heretical and un-Christian attack upon our values. You must demand that the associate be fired. You must demand that the management of the store adhere to Christian values. Every banner saying "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings" must be torn down.
You must also demand the abolition of anything that smacks of pagan idolatry. You must eliminate all yule logs -- the burning of yule logs is a pagan practice. You must destroy all mistletoe -- kissing under a mistletoe is an insidious and evil practice of paganistic prostitution. Above all, destroy all so-called Christmas Trees -- those Asherah poles were worshipped by those pernicious Teutonic pagans. And remember, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ never had a Christmas tree. Nor should you, lest you fall into sin!
My friends, I have not informed you of the devilish dangers facing us. I have told you of what you can do to restore the Christian meaning of Christmas. Now let me conclude by saying that if we eliminate "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings", and if we stop prostituting ourselves with yule logs and mistletoe and so-called Christmas trees and all of the pernicious trappings of paganism, then we can begin to win the War Against Christmas.
My friends, it is a sad occasion that I come before you to speak today. Even as I speak, there are pernicious, evil forces bent upon destroying the very fabric of our civilization. Even as I speak, we are embroiled in a war that will determine the future of our Christian society. Should we lose this war, our nation will be engulfed by evil forces. Our children will be corrupted by evil. They will be seduced by sex. They will be addicted to drugs. They will fall under the satanic spell of rock and roll. Sadly, my friends, we have almost lost the battle against these triple evils.
But before we can truly understand our sad plight, we must identify the origin of the war of which I speak. This war againt our Christian society was started by abominable atheists, sadistic satanists, apostate agnostics, salacious secularists, and hubristic humanists. The war was started by Thomas Paine with his book "The Age of Reason". Let me tell you, reason has no place in a Christian society! The war was carried on by the "Humanist Manifesto".
Now the war has entered its most terrifying phase. The war of which I speak is the War Against Christmas! This battle will determine the future of our civilization.
Suppose you go to a store to buy Christmas presents. A store associate may greet you saying, "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings". You might think that the associate is simply trying to appeal to people of any faith, to put Jews, Muslims, and non-believers at ease. You may think that this is the policy of a neighborly and friendly business.
No! That associate is doing the devil's work! "Happy Holidays" is the slogan of those evil and pernicious forces working to undermine our Christian values. That is the very manifestation of the War Against Christmas! You must take a stand against this heretical and un-Christian attack upon our values. You must demand that the associate be fired. You must demand that the management of the store adhere to Christian values. Every banner saying "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings" must be torn down.
You must also demand the abolition of anything that smacks of pagan idolatry. You must eliminate all yule logs -- the burning of yule logs is a pagan practice. You must destroy all mistletoe -- kissing under a mistletoe is an insidious and evil practice of paganistic prostitution. Above all, destroy all so-called Christmas Trees -- those Asherah poles were worshipped by those pernicious Teutonic pagans. And remember, Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ never had a Christmas tree. Nor should you, lest you fall into sin!
My friends, I have not informed you of the devilish dangers facing us. I have told you of what you can do to restore the Christian meaning of Christmas. Now let me conclude by saying that if we eliminate "Happy Holidays" and "Season's Greetings", and if we stop prostituting ourselves with yule logs and mistletoe and so-called Christmas trees and all of the pernicious trappings of paganism, then we can begin to win the War Against Christmas.
posted by Tover van Ooteldonk | 10:49 AM
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